The Miscarriage Journey

Jan 25 2012     /     ,

Six years of baby making fun and one miraculous, fertility drug free pregnancy.  Six years is a long time for only one child, but on the other hand, there are plenty of families out there that haven’t even been blessed one baby.  As my daughter was nearing three, I was starting to feel nervous about her not having any siblings.  I didn’t want her to be lonely on family vacations and grow up without anyone.  Not to mention, aging parents is a big burden for just one child.  I had always envisioned several children and was determined to make this a reality.  So, we decided to get another referral to the infamous Dr. Motan – the local fertility miracle worker in Edmonton.

Before she referred us back to Mr. Motan’s office, our Doctor suggested that we try Clomid for just a few months first and see what happens.  Since I don’t naturally ovulate, I first had to take an ovulation drug and then Clomid.  After what we had been through in the past, I really wasn’t very optimistic that something like Clomid would even work for us.  I did the first round and took the mandatory pregnancy test to ensure I wasn’t pregnant before starting the second round.  I nearly peed on the stick and threw it straight in the garbage; it seemed like such a formality.  I almost fell over when the beautiful ‘+’ sign beamed from the stick!  Fortunately, my husband was still home and just putting his shoes on before heading to work.  I screamed that I was pregnant and we were simply ecstatic.  Our daughter heard the news right away (I wasn’t very low-key about it!) and from then on we all were planning, dreaming and waiting to share the good news with everyone.

Strangely enough, with this pregnancy, I didn’t feel pregnant all at.  I had more energy than normal, I didn’t feel a moments nausea (and with my first pregnancy, I was throwing up until Madelyn graced the world!) and I just felt amazing.

On December 30 I took advantage of my in-laws being in town and headed to a Friday morning class at the gym.  I felt so great after the class, I decided to run home and pick up my in-laws and Madelyn and head back to the rec centre for some swimming.  We were on our way to the change rooms when I heard my name and turned around to see my girlfriend and her family who had just finished swimming.  We were quickly catching up when I was hit in the face.  Suddenly there was chaos all around; people were picking up their kids and were scared what was going to happen next.  A severely disabled man was extremely upset, and more than likely anxious from the holiday crowds at the centre.  He was violent and no one knew what he was going to do next.  He was breaking things and shaking coke machines.  Still in shock, I said goodbye to my friend and took Madelyn into the change room.  My cheek was burning and my nose was bleeding a bit, but other than that, I was fine.  I gathered myself and we headed for an hour of swimming.  By the time we got out of the pool my friends husband had already started filling out the paperwork describing the assault and had all of the details on the group home where the man came from.

I honestly didn’t think that much more about it, other than the fact that I felt for the man’s family.  He was someone’s son and they had the incredible responsibility of caring for him.  It was also incredible irresponsible to put him in such an overwhelming situation given how busy recreation centres are over the holidays with kids out of school.  He could have been my son – any of our son’s, so I really forgot about it for the most part and chalked it up to being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Unfortunately, everything wasn’t fine and I had sustained a greater shock to my system than I thought.  Within a few hours, the bleeding began and continued to worsen until the following Thursday when I had the miscarriage.  It was terrible, painful – both emotionally and physically and I really just felt empty.  I went from feeling elated and pregnant to being sad, angry and without a baby.

All that trying and wishing, only to be back at square one.  I had been preparing, thinking of maternity clothes, planning the seasons and holidays and work.  I had cancelled attending a conference and had just told my extended family over Christmas that I was expecting.  I felt foolish, like I had to tell everyone now that I wasn’t pregnant.  That is was over.

I hated it when people told me ‘everything happens for a reason’ and that ‘it just wasn’t meant to be.’  It made me think that nothing happens for a reason, it’s just the way we cope when the worst happens to us.

I couldn’t have gotten through it without my husband, parents and siblings.  I wanted to write this because it seems like no one talks about miscarriage, only it happens in ONE OUT OF THREE pregnancies.  That means there are a ton of women out there struggling with a loss like this.  I was really disappointed in several friends and family members.  What they didn’t understand is that while this does happen a lot, it is still a loss.  My baby died and I felt so terrible.  I have to hope and pray that we weren’t just super lucky this time around and that fertility drugs will help us again. If you are fortunate enough not to have dealt with this personally, but know someone that has, reach out to them.  Love and support is much better than not lending a hand or not talking about it at all.  I was lucky that my brother was with me the night it finally officially happened; he was over nearly every night that week checking in on Madelyn and I.  My mom took charge when it happened to me.  She was in my home looking after Madelyn, cooking for us, she took down all of our Christmas decorations and helped out in any way she could.

Thankfully, I feel physically back to normal now, but I am still hurting and praying for another miracle.  Fortunately, I have a little miracle already at home in a form of a beautiful and energetic little girl named Madelyn.  I am reminded that this isn’t the end of the world; there are worse things.  I just need to focus on what I do have and be thankful.

For all of you out there that have dealt with this, I feel for you.  YES it is common, NO it shouldn’t be a secret and YES it is a big deal!  For anyone that has felt this kind of pain, I feel for you and hope you can find a way to heal.

 

Madelyn - aged 3 - Our Little Miracle

~Carol

Mommy Connections President

  1. Thank you for sharing Carol. I share in your pain as I have had not a miscarriage, but an etopic pregnancy. We too went from being extremely ecstatic about a new baby, to loosing a child. I am so sorry you went through this, and if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here. {{{{HUGS}}}}}

  2. Beautifully written, and heartbreaking. I hope this journey is short and happy for you – you have a brave soul for sharing this with everyone. Hugs and love, and strength to you xoxo

  3. Carol, thank you so much for posting this. I truly believe that many women and families need support at a time like this. Especially as it is so common! I’m so sorry that you had to endure this physical and emotional loss. Please know that often people don’t have the right words to say, but support and thoughts are always there. Thanks again for sharing!

  4. Carol, what a beautiful post, thanks for sharing your story, I am sure it wasn’t easy. You are helping a lot of people by sharing your story and shedding light on what is unfortunately not all that uncommon (as you mentioned one in three pregnancies ended in miscarriage). Sending you all my best wishes for the future.

  5. Carol, tears are streaming. Thanks for opening your beautiful soul and sharing your personal story with all of us. You’re right about so many things and it certainly does need to be discussed more openly. My heart really goes out to you and I’m truly sorry for your loss. ♥

  6. Carol, I am sending you a very big virtual hug! Xxx I too have experienced this and it feels like your heart has been ripped out, something which can’t be understood unless you experience it yourself! The pain does go away, but you never forget the baby that you didn’t get to meet, a baby that is still your child… Just as much as the children I tuck into bed at night. I like to think about it not as what “wasn’t meant to be” but as a little life whose purpose was served before ihe/she was born! What a sweet miracle! Maybe someon else needed that sweet soul more than I.

    I agree we as woman need to talk about these experiences, help each other through the true grief! For through our tears may we find our healing together holding the hands of others experiencing the same loss! Thank you, TRULY for sharing your story! Thank you for reminding me of my unborn wee one, TRULY! I wish strength and healing for you and your family ;-)

  7. Carol, I too have had a similar journey of miscarriage and the tumultuous emotional roller coaster ride of clomid. The fellings of elation, excitement then then the anger of the loss. And every emotion in between. You are certainly right about the empathetic responses not being helpful! A loss of a child is a loss of a child. No matter what stage or age your baby is. There is a really amazing support group out there for those of us with empty arms. I have 4 children now, but I still mourn my fifth! Thank you for sharing! I’ve never opened up before about this, I’m glad you were strong enough to share your journey with us. *huge hug!*

  8. Carol, there are no words that I can possibly say to you other than I am so sorry for your loss. I understand the miracle and gift of life and how precious it is.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your beautiful family <3

  9. Carol, I can’t thank you enough for being brave enough to share your personal story of miscarriage. It’s a devastating process that a lot of women suffer through in silence. Your honesty and strength continue to amaze me every day. xoxo

  10. Prior to the birth of my son (now almost 2), I had 2 miscarriages. They were both fairly early (7 and 10 weeks), so the physical pain wasn’t too great – but the emotional pain! And the self-doubt, and self-questioning…the worry that I might not be able to give my husband a child, etc., etc. – that was the worst. The simple fact that we tell women ‘not to tell’ for the first three months in case something bad happens is telling – why should any of it need to be a secret? And why should we have to mourn in silence?
    Thanks for your post and for your strength. Fingers crossed for all your wishes to come true in the future!

  11. Thanks for sharing Carol – ((hugs))

  12. Carol, thank you so much sharing such a wonderful story. I have been through all this for 6 years with so many fertility medications before I conceived my little boy. I was pregnant with twins and felt the same pain of miscarrying when I lost other twin at 15 weeks. I am happy and thank you to have my son but I still feel pain for lost my other twin.

    Thank you again for the beautiful post. Hope we will all heal one day..