It’s Time For a Change (But Change Doesn’t Come Easy)

When I started this journey with Readiness Fitness I was so incredibly motivated. I was ready, I wanted it, I truly believed I was worth it. The first week of the Little Black Dress program was amazing. I was feeling better, I was eating well, I was sticking to plan.  The second week continued to be good. The food was delicious (including the recipe for Pumpkin Pancakes that I shared on my last post) and it felt so good to be showing my girls was healthy eating looked like.  I wasn’t perfect in those two weeks, but I was proud of how things were going.

And then the beginning of week three hit.  And I don’t know if I got lazy or got bored or what it was, but I started to fall off. The win in week three was that I got back on every time I fell off.  Which is not something I can say for myself in the past. Every time I have ever “fallen off” a plan in the past, it was permanent. I fell off and couldn’t get back on. I guess by couldn’t I mean I chose not to.  But this time, if I made a poor choice in a meal or a snack or a drink, then the next thing I put in my mouth was on plan.  I also met my water goals 6/7 days on week three – which was awesome! I honestly sometimes forget how important water is until I drink as much as I’m supposed to and I feel so good.  ANOTHER success over the previous three weeks was learning not to punish myself or hate myself for a bad choice.  In the past, I have allowed bad choices to make me feel like a bad person or I am destined for bad choices for life.  But I’m not. Every time I make a choice I can change the way the day is going. I don’t have to turn a bad breakfast into a bad day.

Week three went on… stuff started to slip. I was in a bad place with my depression.  My meds were wonky and I was low and when I’m low I feel so out-of-control of everything, including my food.  It was a bad week and I allowed myself treats that I knew weren’t good for me. I allowed myself “just a bit” which turned into more than just a bit.  And turned into craving the bad stuff again.  It definitely wasn’t the worst low week I’ve ever had as far as food and exercise go, but it still wasn’t as good as I would like to be. A goal of mine is to learn how to manage those tough weeks better.

And week four I just felt right off the wagon.  No excuses. No reason. I just did. I chose to.  I had three days of consuming garbage.  Indulging in garbage.  And by bedtime on day three I was so sick.  Like throwing up sick.  And on day four I woke up so sick.  Like cramping, throwing up, headache sick.  And I knew it was because of my bad choices.  I momentarily considered food poisoning or the flu, but then took responsibility for my actions and acknowledged that my poor choices led to this.  And I made myself a green smoothie and drank a litre of water and got up off my ass and cleaned up around my house and quit feeling sorry for myself. It was hard, and all I wanted to do was lay on the couch and indulge in how shitty I felt.  But I didn’t. Because my mindset is changing and I am learning that it’s okay to fall. And it’s okay to make mistakes. And they don’t need to doom me.

After that, I had a good day. I made good choices. I drank all of my water.  I felt so much better going to bed than I did waking up. I slept well.  When I woke up in the morning, I was determined to have a good day. It didn’t go quite as I had planned, but I still made good choices and I still drank my water. And tomorrow will be better. Because this isn’t just about weight loss or inches lost or whatever. This is about getting out the mindset that I’ve been in and it’s about stopping feeling so shitty all the time. And it’s about showing my kids what good choices are and that we feel better when we make good choices.  In my first post, when I talked about how I’m done being fat, it wasn’t just about the physical existence. It was about the mind. I am stuck in a fat mind, if that makes any sense. Stuck in a mind-frame where I’ll probably just be fat forever so why even bother. But I don’t have to be.  I don’t have to lose 30 lbs today or this week or this month.  But if I end this year 30 lbs lighter than I will be better off than I am now.  And if it takes me ten years to get to my ‘goal weight’ then it takes me ten years, but I’ll still be far better off by then than I am now.

My brain is changing.  I’m not perfect. This journey hasn’t been perfect. But it’s been what I needed. The support from Tracy, the team at Readiness, and the other women in the program has been incredible for me.  It has felt so good to go to a place where I feel welcome and supported and truly not judged.  It has also been amazing to have someone check in with me on a regular basis and hold me accountable.  Tracy emails everyone involved in LBD every week to check in and asks us particular questions about our progress. I love that I can tell her more than just “things are going well” or “I had a shitty week.”  I can be honest and open and talk about my struggles. And she gives her advice and sometimes she gives tough love. Just kidding. She always gives tough love. But she keeps it real without making it personal and making it hurt your feelings. Which, when it comes to this journey, is so important to me because my feelings are easily hurt when it comes to things I’m insecure about, which I’m sure you can relate to, and my journey to health is something I’m insecure about.

My body hasn’t changed much.  I don’t know if I’ll reach my physical goals in the timeframe I originally set for myself.  I haven’t worked out as much as I’d hoped and it hasn’t gone as smoothly as I was determined for it to. But I’ll get there. It’ll take time. It took me 29 years to get here – I won’t get somewhere new overnight. I am working on changing the way I think about food and changing the relationship I have with it.  I am teaching my kids to think about what they’re putting in their body in a positive way.  I might still make the choice somedays to eat McDonalds or go out for ice cream or order in pizza on a Friday night.  But I refuse to continue to allow those choices to control me. I control those choices.  I am allowed to make them, but then I live with them. I don’t blame them on someone or something; I just own them.  And then I move on and make different, better choices next time.

In my experience, weight loss is about so much more than the weight. It’s a head game for me.  And I need to win the game. I will win the game. I’m working on winning the game.  And thank YOU for being part of that journey.

 

If you are interested in checking out what the Little Black Dress program at Readiness Fitness is all about or how it might help you on your own journey to health, go here. If you have any questions or want to know more because you are interested, talk to me. I am more than happy to answer your questions. If you’re looking for a safe place to work out or try something new, I genuinely think that Readiness is a great place.  Look into it.

About Jaclyn

I am the mommy of Everly and Harlow, the wife of Brett, and was a teacher in my former life. I grew up in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan with my mom, stepdad, and my two younger sisters. I come from a big, blended family, and love to spend time with everyone as often as I can. Some of my hobbies are reading, crafting, and watching awful reality TV.

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