My name is Erin. I’m a toddler mom and a pup mom. I had my son in May of 2016. Becoming a mom was the scariest thing I’ve ever done, and I have loved every moment of it. I am a stay at home writing mom. I write everyday after my son goes to bed. My partner occasionally works away from home. When he’s home, we spend as much family time together as possible, and when he’s gone, I practice my Solo Mom Life. Life isn’t always easy, but I try to be as grateful as I can. My son helps with that. You can find my blog at thewritingmomma.ca or follow me on Instagram and Facebook at thewritingmommalife
I’m late writing this. I call myself a writing momma, but I have not written in the last few weeks. I have to be honest: when I don’t write, it hurts my soul a little. I find that my mental health improves when I give myself moments to write. Unfortunately, I haven’t been taking the time for myself that I should be.
Tonight, I am writing my Mommy Connections post. Better late than not at all. I’m going to start my writing every day with a blog post to some amazing moms.
I’ve been trying to figure out what mom subject to write about. I was going over topic ideas in my head when I suddenly figured it out. I need to write about my now. I need to write about my current mom life. It’s always changing, and this week, it’s been tough.
I am writing this with a heavy heart (and I don’t say that lightly). I am sad. I’ve had a tough couple of days.
I’ve been sick with a cold.
My toddler has also been sick. We took a trip to Edmonton with my mom and sister, and while the trip was amazing, it was also exhausting. We tried to ignore the cold for as long as possible, but by the time we got home we let it hit us completely. It took two day for me to get the energy to change out of my pajamas.
Of course, even though my son is also sick, he’s already better than I am, and even while sick, he has more energy that I’ve ever had while I was sick.
Wednesday (today) is the first day we’ve gotten dressed and out of the house. My kiddo made it to preschool after missing Monday. We felt much better getting out of the house even though I still don’t have a voice.
I’m still sick, but as all parents know, it doesn’t mean a lot. I don’t get a sick day. Staying home in my pajamas with a box of kleenex is a sick day, but add on keeping a toddler happy and fed, and the day off ends. I will be honest, I miss the days where I could take a day off work, and be sick while also binge watching something on Netflix. Being a stay at home mom changes everything. It’s rewarding, but sick days aren’t an actual thing. I’m happy to say that I am healthy enough to officially be a Stay at Home Writing Mom again – or I will be when I finish this post.
I’ve been dealing with anxiety.
It’s not because I’m sick with a cold, but just something that I’m constantly battling. Some days are worse than others, but lately, I’ve had small panic attacks, and terrible sleeps. I know a lot of people deal with anxiety, and I know a lot of people have it much worse that I do. Writing helps me deal with it which is probably why it’s been worse lately.
Anxiety is something I need to deal with sooner rather than later. My priority is my health. My priority is being there for my son. I need to be healthy – mentally and physically – for my son. I can’t let myself sink into an anxiety attack because I have a son to take care of. Before Anthony, I had anxiety, but didn’t recognize it for what it was. Now that I know what it is I’m dealing with, I can do things to make it better. Breathing is the first thing on the list. I’m happy to have my son because he motivates me to prioritize my mental health.
The truth is, I’ve been dealing with this particular grief for almost a year. It comes and goes. I miss my friend every day. I am angry over the way her life was taken. I am sad that she never got to be a mother. I am heartbroken that I will never speak to her again. Somebody once described grief as a roller coaster. There are a lot of ups and downs, and you never know when it’s going to hit you. It’s been bad this week.
While I’ve dealt with loss before, this is the first time I’ve had to deal with loss as a mom. My son is too young to understand. He doesn’t know why his mom is sad. He doesn’t know about the amazing person he won’t have in his life anymore. He also doesn’t allow me to stay sad. He will do anything to cheer me up, and I don’t want him to see me sad for an extended time. I can honestly say that this year has been easier to get through because I am a mother. This child of mine can cure me with a hug, or a smile, or he can make me laugh out loud even when I want to cry. He’s saved my day more than once.
I’m a huge believer in gratitude. It’s what keeps me grounded. It’s what helps me breathe. It’s how I keep calm when the world gets scary. The days are very hard sometimes, and life is not always easy, but I can still look around and try to find the good. I can be happy for a friend sharing great news. I can be happy because my son is always trying something new. I can be happy I’m drinking coffee or wine. Little or big, gratitude is what keeps me going.
Being a mom is freaking hard. We all know that. Without being sick, dealing with grief or anxiety, being a mom is hard. Others are dealing with so much more than me. I can look at my problems, and know things will get better. No matter what I’m going through today, I know that my son will always need me. As hard as it gets, I am always a momma. I am always his momma.
I wrote this with no plan, and I didn’t write it to give myself a pity party. Life is good even in the rough patches. My cold will go away. I will write away my anxiety (I’m already doing it), and my grief will come and go, but I will always have my memories.
I’ve got this. And so do you.