Sleep Training For Adults (From A Baby’s Point Of View)

OK, here’s my situation. My Mommy has had me for almost 7 months. The first few months were great – I cried, she picked me up and fed me, anytime, day or night. Then something happened.

Over the last few weeks, she has been trying to STTN (sleep through the night). At first, I thought it was just a phase, but it is only getting worse. I’ve talked to other babies, and it seems like it’s pretty common after Mommies have had us for around 6 months. Here’s the thing: these Mommies don’t really need to sleep. It’s just a habit. Many of them have had some 30 years to sleep–they just don’t need it anymore. So I am implementing a plan. I call it the Crybaby Shuffle. It goes like this:

Night 1–cry every 3 hours until you get fed. I know, it’s hard. It’s hard to see your Mommy upset over your crying. Just keep reminding yourself, it’s for her own good.

Night 2–cry every 2 hours until you get fed.

Night 3–every hour.

Most Mommies will start to respond more quickly after about 3 nights. Some Mommies are more alert, and may resist the change longer. These Mommies may stand in your doorway for hours, shhhh-ing. Don’t give in. I cannot stress this enough: CONSISTENCY IS KEY!! If you let her STTN (sleep through the night), just once, she will expect it every night. I KNOW IT’S HARD! But she really doesn’t need the sleep, she’s just resisting the change. If you have an especially alert Mommy, you can stop crying for about 10 minutes, just long enough for her to go back to bed and start to fall asleep. Then cry again. It WILL eventually work. My Mommy once stayed awake for 10 hours straight, so I know she can do it.

Last night, I cried every hour. You just have to decide to stick to it and just go for it. BE CONSISTENT! I cried for any reason I could come up with. My sleep sack tickled my foot. I felt a wrinkle under the sheet. My mobile made a shadow on the wall. I burped, and it tasted like pears. I hadn’t eaten pears since lunch, what’s up with that? The cat said “meow”. I should know. My Mommy reminds me of this about 20 times a day. LOL. Once I cried just because I liked how it sounded when it echoed on the monitor in the other room. Too hot, too cold, just right–doesn’t matter! Keep crying!!

It took awhile, but it worked. She fed me at 4am. Tomorrow night, my goal is 3:30am. You need to slowly shorten the interval between feedings in order to reset your Mommies’ internal clocks.

Sometimes my Mommy will call for reinforcements by sending in Daddy. Don’t worry Daddies are not set up for not needing sleep the way Mommies are. They can only handle a few pats and shhing before they declare defeat and send in the Mommy.

Also, be wary of the sleep sheep with rain noises. I like to give Mommy false hope that listening to the rain puts me to sleep sometimes I pretend to close my eyes and be asleep and then wait until I know Mommy is settling back to sleep to spring a surprise cry attack. If she doesn’t get to me fast enough I follow up with my fake cough and gag noise that always has her running to the crib. At some point I am positive she will start to realize that she really doesn’t really need sleep.

P.S. Don’t let those rubber things fool you, no matter how long you suck on them, no milk will come out. Trust me.

– Source Unknown (If you know, please tell me!)

11 thoughts on “Sleep Training For Adults (From A Baby’s Point Of View)

  1. I thought this was very funny! I’ve been lucky as my son has been giving me 4-6 hours of sleep a night. I hope he doesn’t read this and decide to change things up!

  2. A friend sent this to me when my daughter was about 5 months and not a good sleeper. I’d had a horrible night’s sleep, worse than most. But this had me in tears I was laughing so hard. We need to have a sense of humour to get through it all!

  3. With a 3 week old + a 3 year old at home, I found this very amusing. As a father, however, I found the daddy in this story to be very disappointing. We’re certainly not all like this. I can take care of our sons all night by myself – even with crying every 2 hours. And I did the same when our elder son was going through his difficult sleeping phase. Perhaps the daddy in this story is making the problem worse. Still, it’s an funny piece.

    • Sorry Al,
      You taking care of your baby at night makes you a super hero. My daddy/husband experience clearly told me that not only do men not share the baby duties at night, they also expect an ironed shirt for work the next morning, and will wake you up to iron it. My ex hubby always said, I will spend time with the kids when they are older and more interesting.

      • My hubby and I worked out a deal (I’m not sure if it was ever formalized…I should get it in writing!). I wake up with them until they’re one. After that, kids’ wake up calls are daddy’s domain. This has worked out well for me since our kids decide at about 3 that they no longer need sleep. Of course, when it comes time to train them out of that stage, it’s up to mom again! 😉

  4. I like how it shows the rediculousness in thinking that a child’s cries could actually be this calculated and malicious. Listen to your baby and respond quickly! They need you <3

  5. I am feeling this as we speak, the red burning eyes from lack of sleep. I knew it was a conspiracy on the part of these babies!! Very funny!

  6. I honestly laughed until I cried. I can just envision this going through my daughter’s head. She’s 14 months old and has only slept through the night often enough to get my hopes up. She’s busted now! Ha! Thanks for sharing. 🙂

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